I never really understood the heart-wrenching pain of losing a pet, until I lost my own soul dog. People around me had lost their pets, and I would quickly express my condolences, and move on to the next topic. I guess I felt like my dog would live forever and I’d never be in their shoes. After all, I was a really good dog mom and would do anything for my precious parti-colored cocker spaniel. It would never happen to me.
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As I am sure you can relate, pets grow with us through many stages of life. We bond with our pet through these, and other experiences, and they tend to fill in the voids that humans sometimes can’t. After losing Bradley, I took a course on Pet Loss Grief, and learned that some people don’t have a hard time after losing a pet. They go on with their daily lives, or maybe even get another pet to replace him or her. But the magnitude of our bond with our pets will dictate how deeply we will grieve. In the Book Loss of a Pet: A Guide to Coping with The Grieving Process When A Pet Dies, Dr. Wallace Sife describes the different stages of bonding to a pet, and how these relate to our grieving process after losing that pet. Those who are profoundly bonded will feel the loss most intensely. This helped me to understand why my grief process was so different than others that I had witnessed. Personally, I think it is an honor and privilege to have had this type of bond with a pet in my lifetime.
I would consider myself a pretty stable and mature person; I finished my Master’s degree and went on to find a steady job, bought my own home, have a loving and supportive family, and succeeded in both my personal and professional life, but the depths of the grief that I experienced after losing Bradley rocked my world, and sent me straight to rock-bottom. I could hardly get out of bed to work, cried constantly, developed a diet consuming junk food 24/7, would stay up late, sleep in, and spend my time being unproductive. My relationship with my boyfriend at the time (now husband) suffered too. The deep grief consumed me, and I fell into depression. I had never been depressed before and truly have a whole new respect for it. I judged friends who wouldn’t respond to my texts, saying they were just in a bad spot and feeling depressed… thinking to myself “you can’t even send a text?” but truly, no matter how big or small the task, everything is difficult when you are grieving and depressed.
After losing Bradley, I searched high and low for documentaries, books, movies, anything to feel like it would bring me closer to him. I just wanted to know where he was, and that he was okay. I read a lot of books that talked about the five stages of grief, coined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, and I personally think it’s complete bullsh*t. Human emotions can be complicated and unpredictable. How can we deduce grief into an algorithm of just 5 chronological stages? Now that I have experienced it, I can honestly say that it was one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life, and as messy and challenging as it was to navigate, I wouldn’t dare compare my experience to someone else’s. Everyone’s grief journey is different, and that should be normalized.
Bradley was with me through so many of life’s stages. Through all of my high school and college breakups. Through 3 different colleges for my undergraduate degree, and another one for my Master’s degree. Bradley was there for me moving from apartment to house, through my parents’ divorce, and so many other small and big life events that I can’t even remember. He was the impetus for me to get a degree in Biology, and the reason I began to love animals (I was allergic to dogs and cats as a kid). He is the reason I ventured into holistic medicine, as he struggled through those notorious cocker spaniel ear problems, and skin issues. Bradley was my north star- guiding me in the right direction in life, whether I realized it or not.
I learned so much through this experience. How to be more compassionate to others, whether it is because of a loss, or other hardship. How to comfort someone who is grieving. It brought me closer to myself, and led me deeper into my spiritual practice- because I didn’t have him anymore, and had to cling on to something to find hope to go on. It helped me to solidify my knowledge of where we go after we die. It helped me contemplate my own death, and in doing so, helps me to live better every single day. How some people grieve deeper than others, and if they don’t understand, that is okay.
One thing that has remained important to me is commemorating Bradley's life. I wear my "Bradley bracelet" daily, and every time I look at it, I'm reminded of the mark me made on my life. I take off work every year on his birthday, and on the day that he died. I use these days to reflect, and you'd be surprised how many emotions come up when you leave time and space for them to surface. If you need some ideas of how to commemorate your special fur baby, below are some of my suggestions. If you know someone who has just lost a pet, these can be comforting gifts as well.
Picture Bracelet My husband gave this to me as a gift. It's the one I mentioned I wear every day.
Losing a pet can be one of the most difficult life experiences you’ll ever have. I hope you know you are not alone. If you are experiencing this deep loss and sadness right now, be gentle with yourself. It’s best to take it day by day, or hour by hour. Put time aside to grieve. Schedule it on your calendar if you need to. Seek professional help if you are having suicidal thoughts. And below are some resources to help you cope with this challenging and devastating loss.
Suicide Hotline (for any suicidal crisis)
(800) 273-TALK (8255)
Pet Loss Grief Support Groups
Colorado State- https://vetmedbiosci.colostate.edu/argus/pet-loss-support/
APLB Chat Room- https://www.aplb.org/
Pet Loss Grief Books
Tales from Beyond the Paw Print -Dr. Mickey Golden Moore
The Afterlife/Near Death Experiences on Netflix
Surviving Death-Leslie Keane
Books on Contemplating the Afterlife/Near Death Experiences
Life After Life- Dr. Raymond Moody
Surviving Death-Leslie Kean
Where Did You Go- Christina Rasmussen
To Heaven and Back- Dr. Mary Neal
How To Live When a Loved One Dies- Thich Nhat Hanh
Afterlife of Animals- Candy Cane Cooper
Goodbye Friend- Gary A Kowalski
No Death No Fear- Thich Nhat Hanh
Signs- Laura Lynne Jackson
When Things Fall Apart- Pema Chodron
Need more support? Check out our newest post on grief here: A Small Dose of Comfort for You, If You Are Grieving A Pet.
I hope these words have brought you some comfort. This can be one of the most challenging and difficult times you will ever experience. I am sorry for your loss and holding you close to my heart.
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