Losing a pet is truly one of the most earth-shattering experiences I’ve gone through, in my entire life. If you are here reading this, you may share my sentiment. You may be in the depths of your grief. You may feel like there is no crawling out of the deep, dark hole you’ve fallen into. And that is okay. It’s all normal. I can’t promise anything will make the situation better right now, but I am here to give you a very small dose of comfort, if you are grieving a pet.
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What to Expect
If you’re wondering how long you’ll grieve for, it really depends. It’s different for everyone, and grieving has no timeline. All you can do is allow yourself to ride the wave of emotions and feel the full spectrum of feelings.
When I lost my 13 year old cocker spaniel Bradley, I felt completely lost. Bradley was diagnosed with a rare cancer- primary pulmonary adenocarcinoma (lung cancer), we opted to have it surgically removed, and six months later it came back and metastasized. I knew he was dying. But that didn’t make it any easier. Somehow, after 13 years of consistent love, loyalty, and companionship, I took it all for granted and felt like he would live forever. Felt like he had a fighting chance, more so than any other dog. Our glasses sometimes get a little fogged up when death comes knocking at our door.
I don’t believe in the five stages of grief. Grief is complicated and messy. It’s different for everyone, and can’t be reduced down to an algorithm. Algorithms are for mathematitcians. They are not applicable to someone who is deeply grieving a pet. It’s normal to cry. It’s normal to have unusual eating and sleeping habits. It’s normal for grief to hit you like a wave that sweeps you off your feet and thrusts you underwater. You come up disoriented and gasping for air. I distinctly remember a few days after Bradley passed away, it finally hit me. I woke up one morning in tears and felt truly paralyzed by the grief. It took over my entire body. I couldn't stop crying. Couldn't eat or drink. Couldn't get out of bed. I truly felt like I couldn’t do anything besides exist. Truly, that’s all I was doing- existing here on earth. It hurt so bad. A few months later, I spiraled into depression. The world had lost all color, and I was seeing everything in black and white.
You may have lost your beloved pet hours ago… days ago…. Or maybe even months ago. Whatever stage you are at, you are allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to still be sad. You are allowed to go slow and give yourself all the time you need to grieve in your own way, process, and try to accept the reality of what is ahead for you, without your beloved pet.
The Importance of Community
Unfortunately in this day in age, grieving is misunderstood. It’s swept under the rug. It’s given the cold shoulder. Frowned upon. People call, text and check in on you for a week, then they completely disappear. So, on top of feeling like the rug got pulled out from under you, there are more layers of disappointment, sadness, and guilt that you’re faced with, during this already trying time. I once equated grieving to wearing heavy armor. Months later, you’re ready to take it off, but you continue to carry it because you can’t take it off. It’s heavy, it’s burdensome, you don’t want to cry anymore- you are ready to move on. But it doesn’t work that way.
What many people don’t understand is that oftentimes, pets are able to fill a void that humans can’t. Maybe you grew up with a parent who didn’t show up, someone who abused or abandoned you. Pets won’t do that. For some, they are the only constant. Whether or not this was the case for you, it’s very common to grieve deeper for a pet than for a human you’ve lost. Grief should not be judged.
Whether it’s a dog, cat, bird, or other furry family member, they help us to establish a sense of control, regularity, and a consistent schedule. We wake up, we take them out or feed them, play with them, then go on with our day. When we get back from work, or are done with work in the home office, they are eager to receive you with open paws! We get used to this, and when the routine is gone, we lose our footing. This is all so, so normal.
One thing I learned through my grief journey is not to be concerned with others who didn’t understand. It’s a hard thing to do. It’s easy to take things personally when the grief is raw, and our emotions and feelings all feel so sensitive. All it means when they write off our heavy emotions is that they haven’t had the privilege and honor of loving a pet as much as we have.
How to Cope
It’s normal to talk to your pet. Maybe even to feel them, hear them, or think that you see them. It’s common that they will come back and visit you. Some ideas are to make a donation in their honor. Our local humane society has the option to sponsor a kennel for $100. You could also create a journal or scrapbook, where you can compile photos and memories of them and revisit it each year on their birthday. You could create a photo collage. I personally found comfort in books and content that helped me to feel closer to him.
What We Learn from Them
Bradley was my greatest teacher. In the short 13 years that he lived, he taught me more than any human ever has. Through his death, he taught me how to truly live. To live well. Life comes and goes, and we have to make the most of each day. Through this grief journey, I have learned how to be more compassionate and understanding. You never know what someone is going through, and grief is really, really tough, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve learned how it feels to lose the one you love most, and the guilt that continues to haunt you after they’re gone. He taught me how to face death. The fact that all of us are immortal, and to contemplate what happens after we die. I became much more interested in the afterlife, and wondering where he has gone (I've found some amazing answers on it, too). You can see my book list and other resources that brought my comfort in my article Dealing with the Grief of Losing a Pet. He taught me how to stay present in the moment. It’s all we have. Luckily, the last 2 weeks before he died, I happened to have 10 days off work and got to spend time with him doing our favorite things- walks in the neighborhood, walks at the park, time in nature in our backyard, and enjoying each others’ company on the couch. I am so grateful for that quality time we had together and make sure that I set aside intentional time with each of my two cats on a regular basis. They are now 5, but I know that 10 years from now, I’ll be looking back, trying to figure out where time went, and wishing we had more.
How to Honor Them
Every year on Bradley’s birthday and date of his death, I take the day off work. I allow myself the time and space to feel all of the emotions that come up. I dedicate my day to looking at photos of him, journaling, and even going to the places we used to go together (a local park). It truly is incredible what emotions will come up when you allow space for them to surface. The truth is- there’s no “getting over it” or “moving on from it”. It’s just learning to live with it.
I chose to cremate Bradley, and his urn and photo are in my room. This is the urn that I have.
My sister, who is an interior designer, also framed his Penn State jersey that he used to wear during football season. That hangs in my room, and is a wonderful reminder of the legacy he has left behind.
On the one-year anniversary of his death (I can’t believe it’s been so long), my husband got me a beautiful bracelet that I wear daily. It has a micro-image of him in his favorite spot- on top of the couch. The bracelet is customizable and is available on Amazon here.
One of my favorite things I have of him is his pawprint that hangs on the fridge. I got a no-mess kit, and I continue to buy them for my sisters’ dogs as a fun activity to do together.
At the end of the day, you have to do whatever feels right for you. Hold a small ceremony for them. Print out some of your favorite pictures and hang them on the fridge. Ask friends and family to gather together, order pizza, and create a slideshow you can share with them. All are beautiful ways to celebrate a wonderful gift that you had in your life. It’s been almost two years since Bradley passed away and I still have some of the items he left behind. His dog bed by the window, the hook where his leash still hangs, some of the old medicine bottles from when he was sick, his bowls…. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and whether you want to hear this or not, it’s a lifelong journey. You’ll never stop missing them.
No matter how educated, rich, old, young, healthy, or ill you are, you are not immune to grieving. The truth is, you don’t really know what it’s like until you go through it yourself. I truly am sorry for your loss. I know the pain of losing a beloved pet, and am holding you close to my heart.
More Options to Remember Your Pet
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